Don't clown on me, but when I was growing up, I always thought sexuality was just who you were with. I thought that the sexualities were: gay, straight, fun, and single. In this same vain I thought that everyone was dating people, not genders. That women who dated men liked Todd for Todd, not for other reasons (or reason). That men who dated men liked Todd for Todd, not for other reason/s. And that women who dated women were objectively correct. As a little girl growing up with only female stuffed animals (with the exception of an inherited "Bob" from my mother), and who changed the gender of Italian words for feminism (migliore > miglioressa from best to besta), I loved women.
Now, my friends, and nosey people, or serious instagram story-likers, will know that I am dating a man. I am dating a man, and I have dated exclusively guys since eighth grade. So what the hell happened to loving women? Well, a more accurate question that I'm curious about is: what am I? I've been practicing heterosexuality for years now, but does that mean I'm not bisexual? Well, according to mini-me, I've been mostly single and then straight. I feel a simultaneous guilt for not being directly punished for the systemic and social oppressions of the lgbtq+, and a complete lack of caring-- I mean, my whole world view until downloading tiktok was that people date people not physiology. But am I what I perceive myself to be or am I what others choose for me? What do I perceive myself to be?
I am the letter B, technically I'm Q or P, but I prefer the Bi flag. But is attraction enough to justify sexuality? Is love enough to justify identity? How can I claim a facet of myself that I have not engaged with enough? I don't really have answers for you, just a broken label maker on the floor of my messy closet, and I'm ironically still confused about identity-- I've got nothing to print.
I'm going to arbitrarily end this here, I'm out of answers. 
Hi Sophie, I think you should go more in depth with this because it seems like you have a lot of nuanced thoughts on sexuality! Also I love the picture at the end. Great blog!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I might go more into depth, but I struggle to iterate it. Despite thinking about sexuality as more fluid and person-dependent than anything, I still feel fake within a community of more rigid labels (ie, the world and how others perceive sexuality). I'll let you know if I do write more LOL
DeleteI always thought I had to have a crush as a child till I made one up. I am very much aroace. (which is also a confusing title) That is to say I think it is natural to think that way as a child.
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm not alone in this LOL
DeleteHello Sophie! I really like your essay as I related to a lot of things in it. To provide examples, before I got to Uni I never really knew much about the LGBTQ+ community (which was really funny because my parents never shied away from talking about it and I met people in the community before so I guess I was just oblivious lol) and once being blasted with it I wanted to figure out how I identified. I've never dated anyone before but I've also wondered if the people who I "liked" when I was younger was just myself trying to belong with everyone else by having a "crush." I think I'll eventually have a final decision on what I identify as but up until now I can really say that I'm straight and that I've never dated anyone or been in a romantic (or sexual obviously) relationship with anyone. In general I really related to your blog post, and I hope my comment was coherent enough to explain that you aren't entirely alone on how you are questioning your identity. Amazing blog post, Sophie!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand that! Honestly, unsolicited advice from a friend: you really don't have to make a final decision. I feel like people put so much pressure on sexuality, don't worry too much! Just be yourself as you are now, and you're good. Anyways I'm glad that my experience is a common one, it gives me hope. Thank you again for the thoughtful comment!
DeleteThoughtful blog! It's interesting how you imagined attraction as a child as person to person and not their gender. I wouldn't say I thought too much about sexuality before middle school and people started asking, so it's cool that you has these perceptions of identity outside of the heteronormative standards we're all subject to.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind response! Yeah, idk why I had such strong (and counter-culture) perceptions on sexuality as a kid, but it is weird how society seems to have such fixed views.
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